Perplexity

I have noticed….

perplexityshe — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 23:43:49 +0000

that I don’t communicate my thoughts or feelings understood. Recently, I been practising just this, how.. to. Because first it isn’t fun to not be understood correctly. And second, because I don’t.. I become angry due the frustration of not being understood. And some.. with some.. that we have to deal with in life. It is important to communicate very good. When I come across such situation, when I must and try and then think about how and even if it came across after when I go through it in my head I can feel such stress, have trouble to breath and hyperventilate. My head spins and I just have to spend some time away from people, to get a grip. I have come to see my need to be understood, not in all things and situations in life but sometimes it’s important. The future, my future, could some times depend on it. We all are not understood from time to time but it seems it’s so often I can’t communicate. I am a person who tries to figure out reasons to things and I also have this one and came to the reason must be that I don’t really really hear people and therefore haven’t learned to communicate. Which means I’m rather more wrapped up in myself than to really try understand another person. I understand, but I don’t let myself go deep down to understand them completely. The reason for that is I’m too weak for it. But, another story. So I haven’t learned to get understood because I don’t listen to others. But, the reason to why those symptoms show when is, ofc, my need to get understood.

Ways and Acceptance (questionmark)

perplexityshe — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 08:38:03 +0000

Shall try to write about this (I’m not sure I understand it enough to make sense) to be able to put it behind me and move on. I don’t wish to dig too deep cause it feels unnecessary, don’t need to drag up the whole thing. Only enough to include essentials in this one thing.

Let’s start by covering that there are as many ways as there are people and we are all different down to the cores of details. We don’t have to like or accept everyone (it’s also impossible) but besides that war due differences is idiotic we become friends with people that match us.

I don’t necessarily feel that my way is wrong, I don’t feel that other ways that I don’t adapt are wrong either. I don’t feel that speaking my mind is wrong either, as I expect others to also. No person in this world needs to agree with me but when someone believes I try to force my ways onto them by argue and maintain them it is that persons illusion and not my eventual dictatorship. That I would need to silence myself because someone else can’t handle it is wrong. I’m not heartless but I can’t censor myself and be someone I’m not because there are people that.. misinterpret, are scared of forward ppl or outspoken people.. honestly I don’t know what the reason is. One of the mentioned or perhaps not. My reason for speaking my mind is not to change them. Too bad if they feel that way. I speak my mind, your speak your mind, that is how I want it to be. I don’t speak because I want you to agree as I want you to speak your own opinion. Perhaps, it you can’t, it’s too rough for you? Maybe we don’t match?

I don’t know why I decided to listen. I think because I really wanted to try to understand. I listened to you about her and I felt like a piece of shit on the ground. It really got to me, because, our ways are different. An entire day I felt that I had been walked upon and my ways didn’t mean a thing. Her ways are her ways and to understand her intentions no matter how kind they may have been from her side they just don’t work.

One part I now Understand. : Ofcaurse you are suppose to be friendly and social with your best friends partner but that includes small conversations over the table with laughs and what not and not hanging on them and dragging them away from the rest of the crowed and spend time alone. As I now understand her intentions which was her way of being friendly (so I have let go of that) I do however not accept her going about that way to be friendly and I think she needs to respect my feelings in this instead of responding with threats and cutting me out of her life because I “try to change her” which is the part that’s out of grasp for me. On the contrary to find a good reason for her to cut me out I only see a reason why I should cut her out. Some things are just not about acceptance and when we demand to be accepted we also need to check ourselves, at least that is how I see it.

If it boils down to that I am the one who should need to accept this as a part of her I just don’t think that I could. That is putting it all on me and it just doesn’t feel right. Is it right? It would be like me understanding her without her taking regards to me and I’m sorry but that is way to disrespectful for me to be able to take.

*Wink @ ThePeople’sPoet* There you go

Someone broke me down.

perplexityshe — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 17:05:38 +0000

Now I feel weak and nearly suicidal. I decided to hear the person out because he is a friend, I shouldn’t have listened. He has no idea it got to me this hard.

Why are chicks unstable?

perplexityshe — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 12:50:07 +0000

A question I’ve heard my other half ask a couple times. I agree, we are so unstable! And it’s not easy being unstable, it’s not like I WANT to be on an emotional roller-coaster. However, aware of this, I can try do something about it. But if this is general for women, it’s probably not the easiest thing to fight. At-least not 100%. I mean, women are women. But as the truth goes; what you are not aware of you can not do anything about.

I am not as extremely unstable as I have been. Growing, learning and understanding. And wanting to – is a part of it.

It’s been a while since my last post.

perplexityshe — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 22:19:41 +0000

Truth is, my life has gone forward and I haven’t had the need or desire to express myself in writing nor orally. I have kept my thoughts inside and my (most of my) feelings down low and simply observed because I figured I had a lot to learn from that and I was right. I am learning (by that) to control my emotions and SOLVE things instead of speaking of them or writing them down in a online journal. Redirecting and settling anxiety and other things that can be troubling to a place where I can handle them makes me stronger. It has taught me to revaluate and change things, to be more calm and find a way instead of panicing and often crying. Get stronger instead of keep being lost. I’m not saying I will never write again, I may open up a new post and write in dispair not so very long from now but if I have found a way to become stronger I want to continue on that track. Want to see where it leads me.

How Do Men See You?

perplexityshe — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:16:48 +0000

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual
You’re honesty is refreshingly beautiful … it draws guys in
You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage
Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You?

Are You an Alpha Female?

perplexityshe — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:14:56 +0000

You Have Many Alpha Tendencies

You’re not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to – and like to – get your way.
You’re forceful without being intimidating. You’re confident without being vain. A perfect mix.

Are You an Alpha Female?

A sad too often story.

perplexityshe — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 12:19:27 +0000

There are those who’s life started wrong and want to but can’t get on the right path. Naturally, I could be speaking of basically anything. I am not, however, my heart goes out to those as well. So, imagine a child, a baby girl being born into a hostile and dangerous environment. Again, there are a number of different things I could be speaking about. So, let’s narrow it down. Her mother was adviced not to have a child (reasons remain unspoken of), her father was an alcoholic but also a pedophile. The events of this little girls upbrining and how it would mold her are terrifying. This is a girl who is taught no limits, no self respect, and to love someone who sufferes her consiquences. This means she is not ready to take on the world, that instead of doing herself right she lets all evil that finds her use her. She lives with the pain of her childhood while she don’t know how to prevent future pain. Her path was not her own desicion, it was created by her enviroment. As well anyone elses.

For her to ever get on a good track takes a lot, it takes a complete turn around. And for it to begin she needs to start realize and through the eyes of others is where it start. Eyes of extreme evil can start her new path but it takes the eyes of good people to guide her right. This girl is not taught to recognize good, she is locked up inside herself. It takes years. And completely free she can never be.

Her life at home during childhood makes school difficult, she can’t focus even when she tries. She is shy, withdrawn, quiet, scared and nobody understands her. In her teens she becomes a rebel – fighting with her own demons. She puts herself in danger in every imaginable way as she too is dangerous to others. She is wild with no limits.

After school and no graduation there is no hope for her. She don’t know anything but her own pain.

Sometimes it’s about your self rather than others when it comes to acceptance.

perplexityshe — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 06:07:02 +0000

And to admit some things (to yourself, don’t know about to whom it may concern, suppose it depends) can help you to better control them.

So I admit that I have jealous tendancies in my relation to you: my partner, and I am wary of it being about me and not you since reality is different than viewed from my jealous eyes. Therefore I shall not smuther you, in fact; I realized this a few weeks ago and you must have noticed your freedom. Freedom, every person’s right. So, this about accepting you for who you are, is learning to deal with my own emotions.

I wanted to type down a view of men and women that don’t have any respect for a relationship, others.

perplexityshe — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 20:12:34 +0000

Ofc I can only write from a woman’s perspective and out from who I am. So, I will write about men -although, as often, women are the same.

As often as a man respects that I am involved with someone, another doesn’t. To respect is to not attempt to receive anything else from me but friendship. To be given appreciation – a man showing or telling me that he is interested is ofc filed in the respect category.

When he instead is intrusive, with an attitude or words that say he is trying to get me – This is what I wanted to write how I view it. To start, it’s turning me off which surely isn’t the first thing he want from me. Apparently I love the man that I am with and that make me feel that “the intruder” disrespects my partner. And how one feel when someone disrespects someone you love doesn’t need to be explained.

Else is that I am not in to temporary flings, one night stands. So, that game of “trying to win a woman over” makes me laugh. It’s fun to watch, however it doesn’t work here.